My heart swells with gratitude to the living God. He is full of mercy and compassion. I find myself weeping again. That is what Baca means. The valley of Baca, is the valley of weeping. This, I know does not sound like a very desirable label for anything. But I find it describes well the broken place I find myself. Things happen everyday that remind me of this brokenness and utter dependency on my Savior.
I'm here all alone this evening (a rare moment). A friend, thinking no one was here came by to leave an envelope with $100 in it. A verse was also enclosed, but no signature. She obviously wanted to be anonymous. We chatted for a few minutes and she left. I came inside and opened it and promply fell to my knees. This dear sister cannot afford this, but she is obeying the Lord, and the biggest blessing will be hers. Here I am again God! How long will I be on the receiving end? How long will I be in this valley where nothing makes sense? No answers for my many questions come through. Like David, I find tears are my only comfort.
Mark is still in so much pain every time he tries to do a job for more than one day. The doctor offers no hope accept a proceedure that manages the pain. One job that would usually take three days takes two weeks. No company will hire anyone who calls in sick 2-3 times a week. I never dreamed this would go on for a year after six previous years of financial strain.
This is a part of my May 30th journal entry:
" I have been learning what it means to wait on the Lord this past year. I did not set out to learn this, cliffs too steep, mountains too high pressed me into it. I have prayed for an unwavering faith, courage, and most of all the joy of the Lord. The Lord has given me nothing but weeping. THe strange thing is weeping has become my dearest friend to the point that I'm almost sad to think God will wipe every tear away some day, and that sound will cease to be heard. "
A few weeks ago I was led to the passage in Exodus about when Moses pleaded for God's spirit not to depart from the children of Israel. Moses basically tells God not to let him live any longer if His spirit is going to depart and not go with them. I felt a longing to say that prayer. I told God I didn't care anymore how my life went, I just could not and would not go on without a His spirit. I still cry over my lot, but somewhere in all of this I find myself crying more and more over other people. Perhaps, because like my sister in the Lord who just came to my door bearing a gift, I am still giving every time a tear falls for someones marriage, lost child, or all those sad people at the nursing home where my neighbor has recently had to go.
So, Lord, let the springs come. I know I can dwell here in this valley as long as You dwell with me.
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2 comments:
I think it takes such great courage to face long term struggles with such an intimacy of just wanting to love the Lord no matter how bad it gets or how long it continues. I had a friend in Michigan who struggled physically for a long time. It was his desire too to love the Lord in this time of his life no matter how long it lasted. Of course we have our times where we just have to weep over where our life is and the struggle in it but he said it was the best time in his life going through that struggle because he grew so close to God through it. It sounds like your experience is similar and I pray that you will look back on this time with utter gratitude for being able to experience Christ like some of us have never experienced.
Hi Bonnie, I am so glad I saw your blog. I usually read blogs but I don't like to post much. Anyway, when I read your blog it really touched me. I admire how humble you have allowed yourself to become thru this time. I am sruggling with that so much. I am praying for you. I like the name of your blog too. I can totally relate to it. I know God must be proud of you. I love you and your family. I believe your needs will be met. God bless you.
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